


Dumb Ways to Die (on Azeroth)

by Angry_Moth



Category: World of Warcraft
Genre: Angst and Humor, Attempt at Humor, Celebrations, Character Death, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:41:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angry_Moth/pseuds/Angry_Moth
Summary: Everyone who has played World of Warcraft knows that there are plenty of dumb ways to get yourself killed on Azeroth.So what if some of the important characters in the game also happened to die in humorous, confusing or downright stupid ways?
Relationships: Tess Greymane & Anduin Wrynn
Kudos: 6





	1. Happy Noblegarden!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anduin Wrynn, High King of the Alliance, loves celebrating noblegarden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place in BfA, when the Alliance and the Horde were still at war with each other, and during the holiday Noblegarden.

“Oh, how I love this holiday! It’s good to have something nice like this in the midst of the ongoing war, don’t you think, princess?” 

Tess Greymane could feel an uninvited smile creeping onto her face. Ignoring that, she did her best to remain serious. 

“You honestly think I would enjoy some foolish egghunt, even though I have more important things to do?” 

Anduin stared at Tess, his bright eyes wide. “You didin’t celebrate Noblegarden back in Gilneas, did you?” 

A hint of sorrow shot through Tess’ heart at the mention of her former hown, but she covered it quickly with a forced smile. 

“Nope. And despite the fact that some of my people have taken a liking to your pointless customs, I still don’t celebrate Noblegarden. I would never willingly take part in this sort of folly.” 

Tess spared a glance at the celebrators, who were swarming all over Goldshire. Some laughed in joy as they tried to find the hidden eggs, others yelled at those who stole theirs. A night elf wearing bunny ears was dancing on a mailbox – Tess glared at her disapprovingly – and a paladin was standing in the middle of the town, bragging about a rideable chicken he had bought. Or, Tess at least assumed he had bought the mount. There was no way one could fit into a small egg, right?” 

“A shame,” Anduin sighed at Tess’ answer. “I’ll have to force you to celebrate with me then.” 

Tess turned her head back to Anduin in one quick movement and looked harshly at the king. 

“Seriously?” 

Anduin stared back at Tess, challenging her. 

“Fine,” Tess sighed, “but I refuse to eat a single chocolate egg myself.” 

“Very well, more chocolate for me then.” Anduin grinned. A concern crept into Tess’ mind, and she frowned. 

“Are you sure it’s safe?” 

“What is that even supposed to mean, Tess? You can’t seriously think that someone would, what, poison all the chocolate eggs? Just to kill a bunch of civillians, and children?” 

Tess shook her head and allowed herself to let out a small laugh. 

“All right, you’ve proven your point. I worry too much about your safety.” 

“Yes, you do,” Anduin smiled softly as she reached for Tess’ hand and gave it a soft squeeze. “But I appreciate it.” 

Blushing slightly, Tess yanked her hand away from Anduin. “Alright, don’t we have eggs to hunt?” 

* * *

“Is it done?” 

“Yes, my queen.” 

A hint of smile played on the woman’s lips. 

“Good.” 

“My queen, if I may ask... What good will poisoning a few of the Alliance’s Noblegarden eggs do? They will mostly just kill civilians.” 

The queen leaned back on her throne, glanced down at her servant and chuckled maliciously. 

"Oh Nathanos, I am merely doing this for my own amusement, not to win a war." Sylvanas shrugged. "But who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky...” 

* * *

Genn Greymane ran a hand through his hair as he approached his daughter. There was no easy way of telling her what he had just learned.

"Tess?" 

The young woman turned to face Genn, and she frowned when she saw his serious expression.

"Father? Has something happened?"

"I..." Genn stepped closer to his daughter and gently placed his hands on her shoulders. "I'm really sorry, girl. It's Anduin, he... He just collapsed."

"What? Dad, is he okay? Did you..?"

"Yes, I called a priest to see him immediately. She doesn't know what's wrong with him yet, but she suspects he's been poisoned. I... She's not sure if he's going to survive."

Tears were streaming down Tess' face as he looked at her father, clearly in fear.

"Where is he?" she whispered. 

"In his bedroom, but Tess - "

Before Genn could finish his sentence, Tess was already running towards the High King's rooms. Genn only hoped she would get there before Anduin would succumb to the poison.


	2. Volunteer Guard Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chen Stormstout and his niece Li Li decide to visit Orgrimmar... What could go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after N'Zoth was slain (patch 8.3), during the Volunteer Guard Day (so basically during the day this chapter was published)

"No! Absolutely not.” 

“But uncle – “ 

“No, Li Li,” Chen growled, and his niece took a step back. Chen sighed. 

“I’m sorry, but it’s dangerous.” 

“You know well that I can handle any danger, uncle. Besides, I’m sure it’ll be completely safe and boring. It’s not like anyone’s going to raid Orgrimmar today. I think.” 

Chen and Li Li had decided to visit the Horde capital to see an old friend of theirs. However, Li Li had quickly forgotten the reason they were there once she learned what day it was – Volunteer Guard Day. 

The young pandaren loved celebrations, no matter what the occasion was. She also was one of the kindest, most helpful people Chen knew, so naturally, Li Li wanted nothing more than to take part in Volunteer Guard Day. Chen couldn’t help worrying about her – he knew that the chances of something happening were slim, but that didn’t mean that Li Li’s plan was safe. She had a habit of attracting trouble, no matter where she went or what she did. 

Chen was about to try and convince Li Li to drop her idea, but she spoke first. 

“I bet if Vol’jin was still in charge here, he’d be happy to have me as his guard. Even if for just one day.” 

Chen frowned when he heard the sorrow in his niece’s voice as she spoke their deceased friend’s name. 

“Li Li, I’m not saying you wouldn’t be good at this. That’s not the reason I don’t want you to take part in this... celebration.” 

“You might not think I’d be a bad guard, but you do think I can’t protect myself, let alone others?” 

“No, I...” 

“So, you think I’d make a good guard?” 

“Of course I...” 

“And you think that I could handle any trouble that might come my way?” Li Li’s voice rose slightly in excitement. 

“Well, yes, but...” 

Li Li interrupted Chen by giving him a hug. 

“Thanks, uncle!” she shouted cheerfully as she let go of Chen and ran off. 

“Oh no...” 

* * *

Li Li had no idea what was going on. One moment, he was chatting with the guard she was assisting – a kind female troll – and in a blink of an eye, there were a dozen members of the Alliance charging at them. Before Li Li could react, the other guards around her drew their weapons and attacked. 

The troll pushed Li Li back and told her to run. She was about to protest, but the troll had already charged at the invaders. 

Li Li wanted to help the Horde in defeating the threat, but she knew her uncle would be mad if she chose a side. Still, the Alliance had attacked during peace and, as far as Li Li knew, unprovoked. It angered her immensely that the Alliance would so something so honorless. After quickly considering her options, Li Li decided to be rational and do what Chen would want her to do. 

She tried to back out from the fight before she would be forced to take action against someone, but after taking a few hasty steps, her path was blocked by a human warrior. He pointed his weapon towards Li Li, even though the pandaren had already dropped her own sword. 

“Wait, put that weapon down, I’m not a Horde soldier!” 

The human frowned at Li Li, most likely surprised at her fluent common, and then gave a pointed look at her armor, which resembled the ones that the guards were wearing. 

“I’m just showing my appreciation at the guards, don’t you Alliance have this holiday? Besides, isn’t your faction supposed to be at peace with the Horde now? What do you think you’re doing?” 

The human shook his head. “We might be at peace officially, but I just like killing Horde savages too much to stop now.” 

“Then you’re an idiot. And as I already said, I am not a – “ Li Li’s sentence was cut off when something sharp and painful slid into her back, making her scream in agony. 

* * *

This couldn’t be happening, Chen thought. He couldn’t comprehend why a group of Alliance adventurers were attacking the Horde capital now. They weren’t supposed to be fighting – they were supposed to heal Azeroth, together. 

Suddenly, a chill ran through Chen’s spine as he realized something. Li Li was nowhere to be seen. 

Chen ran around the battlefield, frantically searching for his niece while avoiding combat. He had never been on the Horde’s nor the Alliance’s side in their war, and he wasn’t going to pick one now. All he cared about was finding and bringing his niece to safety. 

Ducking a fireball thrown by a mage – Chen didn’t see which faction the mage belonged to – Chen desperately continued his search. He was just about to turn left when a piercing scream forced him to stop and turn around. 

There she was, his precious niece, barely within his sight. Although Chen was far away from Li Li, he clearly saw a rogue behind her, holding a glimmering blade that was plunged into Li Li’s back. 

The battlefield around him disappeared as Chen rushed to Li Li’s side. By the time he got to her, she was already lying on the ground, bleeding rapidly, barely moving. The rogue had vanished into the shadows. Chen fell down beside his niece and gently held her fragile form in his arms. 

“Li Li?” he managed to whisper. 

“Chen,” Li Li’s weak, barely audible voice rasped. “I’m sorry...” 

“No, Li Li, you have nothing to be sorry about. I failed to protect you, I... This is my fault.” 

“It’s not... uncle.” Li Li’s breathing was slow, and she was losing way too much blood. Chen knew she wouldn’t survive, so he didn’t call for a healer. It was too late for that. 

“I...” 

“Li Li, hush, you don’t have to speak. Just... You can rest now. Close your eyes, don’t be afraid. I’m here.” Chen knew he was crying, which was something he never did, especially around others. But he didn’t have the strength to care. 

“I’m sorry for... not listening to...” 

As Li Li let out her last breath, Chen’s mind was overcome by anger. For the first time ever, he didn’t care about staying neutral with the Alliance and the Horde. He had to avenge his niece’s death, no matter what it took. 

Letting out a loud roar in both anger and grief, Chen got up and picked up a sword that one of the guards had dropped. He swore that he would kill the rogue that had taken what he loved the most, no matter how many Alliance lives he had to end to achieve that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do I kill all the nice characters? Because I'm evil.  
> I do take requests, so comment if you'd like me to kill someone who actually deserves to die :)  
> And let me know what you think about this anyways, so I'll know whether or not I should continue writing chapters to this.


End file.
